I will work on a post tonight about the past week or so, where I took some time off from writing.

The next post will cover:

1. Getting back with the 40 year old milf, then having her dump me again. Which is ok, cause man hitting that was nice.
2. The pure lack of dignity of some toiletlawyers near city 17.
3. A trip to the grandest toilet of them all whereupon I saw Sideshow Bob in person who also cracked a goof on me during the play La Cage Aux Folles
4. A picture of me with a drag queen
5. Shit developing with my old lady in Jurisdiction X
6. Losing 2K in a casino, 1200 of which was thanks to the old lady
7. Weight loss update whereupon I crack 280.

And other such sundries.

I’ll get to work on it tonight and have it done sometime tomorrow I promise.

I know the gist of toilet law is you never have two cents to rub together and we drink popov and chug tylenol pm. I got a small amount of inheritance last summer which allowed me to ease some of my debt burden. I made the calculated risk not to pay a large chunk of my 100K federal loans because I was able to make a 450 a month payment, and it was 3%. I’m lucky as hell. But sometimes a toiletlawyer gets their hands on a few extra hundred, and if you’re able to keep bankruptcy at bay, you want to be able to make something of it. Well the fucking banks aren’t paying shit for interest rates. What do you do? Well you learn the market. I may be a shill, but I heard about this dude who runs a radio show that talks about following the money in the stock market. The site is Phils Gang, and if you can spare an extra 50 bucks a month or so, you can get full access to his site, his analysis, his charting software, and make trades at 5.25 flat per transaction. The key is he guides you through shorting, which almost nobody does. The key is you have to have a margin account which usually requires 2-3 thousand to do, but if you follow what the fucker does and short things instead of just waiting for rallies, you can easily make more profits than giving your money to mutual funds and financial planners. He had said to start shorting the S and P a few days ago after the huge May 1 rally, and fuck if the wheels didn’t fall off about an hour ago. I didn’t make a killing, but I had SH (an inverse s and p ETF) in my roth account, and had a few shorts going in my margin account, and the 2:45 crash made me about 2-3 hundred bucks.

Anyways i dont want to sound like a shill, like I think our system is great and all, but you have to do what you can to make your own fate, and if you can scrape together money, seriously consider intelligent chart following trading with trailing stops as opposed to giving it to a bank or mutual fund. You can make more money and have more control. Learning to short you can make money as the market goes down, as well as up.

I wish I could write the above title as a lead in to some brilliant lawyer maneuver, or some brutal race based jury nullification, but no. I’m as good as Johnnie Cochran today because that sumbitch couldn’t have done any better than I did with this dog. It’s times like this where I pour a shot of Crown, and put on something to take my mind off it. Bob Crosby, take me away.

Having to plead a serious case is never fun. This is my first solo life felony though. The Defendant was a pill fiend who went with her boyfriend to rob a prostitute they both knew for her oxycontin and whatever else they could get their hands on. So, armed with a air pistol, they picked up the hooker at the John’s place, started to drive her home, then screeched to a halt. My client, a 6′2 200 pound linebacker of a woman, grabs the hooker, yanks her out of the car, and pistol whips her until she gives up her purse. They drive a mile down the road, discover she literally had one fucking oxy, then pitch her fake Louis Vuitton, shitty T Mobile cell, and the hooker’s infant’s baby bottle out on the highway. The vic easily makes them to cops, who drive down the road, pick up the stolen goods, then find my client’s car parked outside her house with her inside. In comes the cavalry, guns drawn, and minutes later my client is making post mirandas in the back of a sheriff’s car. So we have an ID, the stolen goods taken far from the scene, and pretty much a confession, and my client cries “WHY CAN’T I GET A SUSPENDED SENTENCE?”

I might have stated it before, but it bears repeating. In State court, you can contract with the State for any sentence. A judge has to approve it, but 90% of the time they are a rubber stamp. Every case requires a score sheet to be filed that you get with your discovery. The score sheet calculates the minimum permissible sentence under law by department of corrections guidelines. If you don’t contract for a sentence you can take your chances with the judge. The judge can sentence you between the minimum and the statutory maximum. You can argue for a departure, but its not usually a winning play. Sometimes you can contract with the State for less than the score sheet minimum. This usually applies when its a first offense, or when you didn’t make a confession like a fucking dumbass, or you snitch, or testify against a co defendant, or the evidence makes it a 50/50 or 60/40 dog. This is why people with big charges sometimes get wrist slap penalties. Every case is different, your mileage may vary. In Federal Court, you dont contract with the US Attorney. You normally plead in order to get acceptance of responsibility, 5K reductions, and safety valve reductions. This sets a guideline sentence lower, but even then a judge doesn’t have to follow it thanks to Booker. They can go lower for whatever reason they feel like. For example, I could give you an explanation why the US Sentencing Guidelines on Child Porn cases are complete and utter bullshit, but I already hemorrhage enough readers as it is for being an unpopular jerkass. Anyways, Federal cases can be much more fun on the sentencing end, though you eliminate the possibility of guaranteed sentences.

So with the pill popping fuckwit it came down to this. She was charged with armed robbery with a deadly weapon/firearm, which would carry 6.9 years to life imprisonment. She has a robbery charge on her record, and has violated probation about a half dozen times, so she already has a history of being a fucking clueless dumbshit. I told her that an airsoft pistol isn’t legally a firearm, but as a matter of law the appellate courts have determined that the issue as to whether or not its a deadly weapon is a question of fact for a jury. So if we presented to a jury and they determined the weapon was deadly, there isn’t shit I could do about it. I told her a trial would likely result on a conviction of armed robbery with a weapon which would carry a sentence of 52 months to 30 years. If we went to trial the judge would determine the sentence, and the odds of getting a sentence in single digit years is very low in that fact. The judge would look the prior robbery charge and its subsequent probations and violations thereof, and determine that it was time to pay some serious piper. The state had offered 7 years on the reduced charge. I countered with guidelines on the lesser offense and testimony against the boyfriend whose bright idea this was all along, and he told me no dice. 7 years, 5 and change with gain time and time served. Prison fucking sucks, but life in prison is a hell of a lot worse and a definite possibility if we get a bunch of backwater assholes on the jury. I mean, it sucks to shell out 5K to end up still getting DOC time, but like the title says, motherfucking Johnnie Cochran (PBUH) couldn’t fucking turn this brackish dog piss into fine chivas, and he would have asked for 25 large, easy.

It’s times like these I hate my job, but then I realize if I picked my clients instead of the other way around, I’d be a deadend bitter fucking loser with no job. Which is basically what I am now, except I’m employed. Take me away Cole Porter.

PS: Fuck yes I set a toiletlaw.com record for links.

Okay time to earn some legal cred and do something marginally intellectual: discuss the Arizona immigration crime bill. By now, we all know the left/right spin on this:

Right:

Left:

Which we would expect from our overstimulated, media-driven idiot populace. But instead of listen to the bullshit spewed from radio/tv, why don’t we stop for a minute and find out what the damn thing actually says before we pass judgment.

Text of Bill PDF

So where to begin – skip the intent, nobody cares. Okay here’s something interesting in part 2:

“B. FOR ANY LAWFUL CONTACT MADE BY A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL OR AGENCY
21 OF THIS STATE OR A COUNTY, CITY, TOWN OR OTHER POLITICAL SUBDIVISION OF THIS
22 STATE WHERE REASONABLE SUSPICION EXISTS THAT THE PERSON IS AN ALIEN WHO IS
23 UNLAWFULLY PRESENT IN THE UNITED STATES, A REASONABLE ATTEMPT SHALL BE MADE,
24 WHEN PRACTICABLE, TO DETERMINE THE IMMIGRATION STATUS OF THE PERSON. THE
25 PERSON’S IMMIGRATION STATUS SHALL BE VERIFIED WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
26 PURSUANT TO 8 UNITED STATES CODE SECTION 1373(c).”

Lawful contact – What does this mean? Well, unlawful contact would be an unreasonable search and seizure, I would assume. Also a pretextual stop would be unlawful contact as well (though in reality winning this argument has become more difficult.) In my practice, I come across a fair number of illegal immigrants. Their most common crime is “NVDL” not having a valid driver’s license. Absent repeated violations, these charges result in a summons to court, court costs, costs of prosecution, and rarely a monetary fine. They have 4 months to pay the total, which is rarely over 300 dollars. These offenses do not implicate immigration proceedings. So in practice, I would imagine that most of these lawful contacts would happen during traffic stops: speeding, running a light, etc. Then, when the driver fails to produce a driver’s license, that will probably provide the reasonable suspicion to inquire as to immigration status, as it is a non racial factor that would provide a basis for placing the person in custody to conduct an investigation into the immigration offense. This is likely to be the bulk of the contacts. What legal practitioners will have to do is become experts at traffic laws to help weed out the suspect traffic stops from legitimate ones.

C. IF AN ALIEN WHO IS UNLAWFULLY PRESENT IN THE UNITED STATES IS
28 CONVICTED OF A VIOLATION OF STATE OR LOCAL LAW, ON DISCHARGE FROM
29 IMPRISONMENT OR ASSESSMENT OF ANY FINE THAT IS IMPOSED, THE ALIEN SHALL BE
30 TRANSFERRED IMMEDIATELY TO THE CUSTODY OF THE UNITED STATES IMMIGRATION AND
31 CUSTOMS ENFORCEMENT OR THE UNITED STATES CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION.

This will be a costly provision. Our illegal immigrant defendant will face a 2-4-1 on his NVDL – it will be accompanied by a corresponding immigration crime. He likely won’t get bail. He will take up space in Sherrif Arpaio’s tent city until his case is concluded, upon which he will have to be transported to ICE. Arpaio runs a rather draconian jail system, and he is an outlier. However, the number of people taking up residence in the jails will skyrocket as they will not be provided bail. Simple criminal traffic offenders will require the building of more jail cells, thus exacerbating further any overcrowding problems. Transport costs will go up bringing more people to and from court, and to an ICE facility.

THE FEDERAL IMMIGRATION AND NATIONALITY ACT.
11 G. A PERSON MAY BRING AN ACTION IN SUPERIOR COURT TO CHALLENGE ANY
12 OFFICIAL OR AGENCY OF THIS STATE OR A COUNTY, CITY, TOWN OR OTHER POLITICAL
13 SUBDIVISION OF THIS STATE THAT ADOPTS OR IMPLEMENTS A POLICY THAT LIMITS OR
14 RESTRICTS THE ENFORCEMENT OF FEDERAL IMMIGRATION LAWS TO LESS THAN THE FULL
15 EXTENT PERMITTED BY FEDERAL LAW. IF THERE IS A JUDICIAL FINDING THAT AN
16 ENTITY HAS VIOLATED THIS SECTION, THE COURT SHALL ORDER ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
17 1. THAT THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT THE ACTION RECOVER COURT COSTS AND
18 ATTORNEY FEES.
19 2. THAT THE ENTITY PAY A CIVIL PENALTY OF NOT LESS THAN ONE THOUSAND
20 DOLLARS AND NOT MORE THAN FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR EACH DAY THAT THE POLICY
21 HAS REMAINED IN EFFECT AFTER THE FILING OF AN ACTION PURSUANT TO THIS
22 SUBSECTION.

This is interesting. Rarely does a state create a cause of action against itself in statutes. This prevents any agent of the state from creating a policy that in effect refuses to enforce the law. Also it gives nearly anyone standing to do it. Toiletlawyers like me should get barred into AZ for this line of litigation, as attorney’s fees would be paid.

Here’s the state codification of the crime.

13-1509. Trespassing by illegal aliens; assessment; exception;
41 classification
42 A. IN ADDITION TO ANY VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW, A PERSON IS GUILTY OF
43 TRESPASSING IF THE PERSON IS BOTH:
44 1. PRESENT ON ANY PUBLIC OR PRIVATE LAND IN THIS STATE.
45 2. IN VIOLATION OF 8 UNITED STATES CODE SECTION 1304(e) OR 1306(a).

Now this is interesting. The person is not really charged with an immigration offense – violating any immigration laws – supremacy doctrine would cover that. But they are charged with trespassing in addition to facing federal criminal sanction. What’s interesting here though is that to convict on this crime, you have to convict them of two crimes. 1304(e) is failure to carry alien registration or receipt cards, and 1306 is willful failure to register as a legal alien.

The rest of the bill goes on to state penalties, fines, enhancements, and related crimes such as picking up day laborers, employing illegals, etc.

How would this bill be overturned? It provides the requisite legal standard for investigations – reasonable suspicion. It’s going to result in a lot of overcrowding due to the larger amount of people not getting bond on this new trespassing charge, it’s going to be a larger expense for the court systems. It’s going to be up the Court system though to work through each stop to eliminate pretextual “driving while brown” cases. Legal aliens will want to make sure to get valid driver licenses and keep their alien registrations in their glove box, as they will be here legally but will be prosecuted more for 1304 cases as they get pulled over. It’s not going to be the case that police will be walking down the streets terry stopping every brown skinned person, however.

At the end of the day, Arizona took matters into their own hands in light of the lack of action from the Feds. During the latter part of the Bush years, Federal immigration prosecutions were on the rise. Now in the Obama years, they are declining. From a policy standpoint, I can see why illegals are a good labor source – they work shitty jobs for shitty wages, and keep businesses going. However, they drag on public safety net resources. Furthermore, we create an immigration process that is designed to weed out the dregs and let good people in. By looking the other way at people who flaunt the law, we make a mockery of the process. Perhaps the immigration process itself needs to be cleaned up and expedited. To not give a flying shit who comes over here though mocks the notion of national sovereignty. I fall on the side of enforcing existing immigration laws, especially now in the great recession, but I also want good people who want to come here to live the American Dream to be able to do so in a timely process.

So that’s all the editorializing you will get from me. I think the end result is that Arizona public defenders and prosecutors are going to have more work to do as they have to work harder for this new trespassing offense, the jails will get more overcrowded, and this will probably require greater budgetary outlay by the tens of millions. This could be offset by the decrease in costs for public services, but that won’t be realized for years. It’s not as police state as some might let on. Good lawyers though will have to fight more traffic stops than ever, as a NVDL would result in deportation, and it will be up the judges to pay attention to cops who are bullshitting to avoid getting nailed on pretextual stops.

That’s all the realchat I can handle now.

Ahh what shitlaw does to all of us. I woke up this morning, poured myself some cereal and water, and a glass of freshly frozen from concentrate OJ, and perused the usual suspect sites for any glimmer of hope or opportunity to move to the big toilet bowl up north. Disappointed as usual, I resigned myself to another delightful day of shitlaw. While stewing in traffic on the way to my miserable, torn-wallpapered office, a news report came on the radio that cut me to the bone. One of the public defenders I have worked with was arrested for DUI. I chortled, a guffaw only the damned like me could identify with. Of the many ways toiletlawyers can find themselves on the street, in rags, holding a “WILL LITIGATE FOR FOOD” sign, DUI is the most interesting but less frequently chosen paths. Usually we just waste away, drowning in debt and unemployment, or we commit suicide, or we file bankruptcy and laugh our way to McDonalds to cook fries. But to have a job, a state job no less, and then piss it away on a drunken bender in a 12 year old beamer, that’s stylish. Popov and vodka, anyone?

I worked with this guy recently on a gang shooting case. I represented some gangbanging shitfucker who never paid his fee, and he had some other gangbanging shitfucker who in all likelihood was actually fucking innocent. Every witness said he didn’t have a gun, didn’t say shit, and didn’t do anything. Good ol Donny Don’t was Dying to get a Dismissal (alliteration, anyone? EAT SHIT 160 I CAN WRITE TOO YOU DRUG ADDLED FUCK) but it looks to me like he had too many Dewar’s instead! He was pulled over for going 11 mph over the speed limit and “weaving in his lane,” which is such a bullshit reason to pull someone over, but it shows up in every DUI report. DUI’s are the most overprosecuted cases in my jurisdiction, and the state makes such a killing off the minimum penalties. Most DUI cases are barely borderline it’s ridiculous. Sure I get the occasional Andy Capp who’s found passed out drunk behind the wheel of the car with the engine running AT A STOP LIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD at 4am with a dozen natty ice cans visible in the back seat, but this poor fuck’s luck just got chucked. What’s worse is that it ends up on the news. And the website. And the fucking ignorant chucklefucks who comment on it are mad a PD can afford a fucking car. “WE PAY THEM TOO MUCH IF THEY DRIVE BMW’S,” they bleat like the stupid babies they are. And the news reporter jumps on the usual standard boilerplate on EVERY DUI REPORT: EYES BLOODSHOT, BREATH REEKED OF ALCOHOL, SLURRED SPEECH.

One of these days I want to just soak my clothes in Jim Beam, drive in circles around a downtown city 17 bar, get myself pulled over on one of these bullshit tickets, intentionally talk like elmer fudd, and then elect to blow just to fuck with these cops, insisting that I didn’t drink anything, and that the smell of alcohol and slurred speech are mere coincidences. but then that would be a great waste of jim beam.

So anyways, the lesson learned here is this: Take a fucking cab, or walk, or sleep it off on a bench, since most shitlawyers barely have enough spare money to differentiate their normal attire from that of the one of countless bums in City 17 standing at the myriad corners with a HOMELESS VET sign. We’re all doomed, but if you got a job, especially a sweet state gig with bennies, don’t piss it away on some popov. Drink that shit at home and cry yourself to sleep imagining how long its going to take for you to pay off those loans as a PD representing shit flinging scumfucks.

Good idea: Getting together with friends over a drink.

Bad idea: Getting together with a concrete curb over a drink(s)

This past weekend was the big subtle dig drinking contest. I came into this expecting several writers, an inordinate amount of alcohol, a little better living through chemistry, and a painful trip back home from the delightful BWI airport. What I got was 90 minutes of waiting for my rental car at BWI (hated airport), driving in crowded two lane interstates through our nation’s capital narrowly avoiding an auto accident, meeting three completely random misfits in a bar parking lot and drinking a shit ton of liquor resulting in lulz, arguing about stupid shit, drunken putt putt, taking strange and exotic new pills i have no prescription for, freezing my nuts off, and trying desperately to stay warm shoulder to shoulder in bed with Lifeat160. Oh and I drank a lot of gin and colt 45. So yeah, I guess i got what i paid for deserve. Where to start? Let’s start with 160.

Like some of you, I suspect, I was a Life At 160 mark. I had preconceived notions as to how he was and what he looked like based entirely on his writing style, tone, subject matter, that sort of thing. And that’s what makes a writer successful: readers construct somewhat vivid images in their minds as to the mannerisms of their favorite characters, which is unique to that reader. Nobody’s imaged personification of Holden Caulfield, for example, will be exactly the same. Sometimes the reader might also take this personification and build it around a character they are already familiar with visually to aid them. This happens with 160 vis a vis Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, a rich, self-centered 1980’s yuppie/murderer played by Christian Bale. So I imagined how he would carry himself, his mannerisms, his style of speaking, that sort of thing. You should never meet your heroes. They say it for a reason, you know.

160 the man is 160 the character, that’s for certain. But he is less Patrick Bateman and more Randall Graves. Every second word out of his mouth is “fuck.” He admits the Graves comparison, but bemoans the inability to do the Randall Swagger. He has no compunctions about looking at porn and nudity in public places, generally hates literally everyone in the world except him, and has participated in nearly excess of the flesh and dollar for the past decade. He can carry on his own one person filibuster for 45 minutes. He is obsessively paranoid about maintaining his true identity. Although he gave me more than enough detail to out him should I actually give a shit, he was so detail oriented to prevent being outed that when we approached the airport ticket counter for him to check in for the trip home (I used the online check in the day before, not taking any chances), he actually asked me to step far away while he did his transaction. I didn’t take it as an insult, mind you, but I considered it amusing in light of the relative lack of effort I put in to prevent him from knowing who I was. An example: when returning the car, about 25 minutes prior to the ticket counter, the Hertz check in person loudly mispronounced my name. I corrected her, then realized as 160 looked on that I pretty much had no choice. “If you tell anyone my real name, I’m going to kill you” was my only jury instruction to remedy that. But enough about him.

The weekend started Friday night. The others had a head start on me. Regrettably, I had just missed Tremble, who had shepherded 160 and Griffin the night before. All I could get from the random drunkenbabble was that 1. 160 threw a shoe out the hotel window which was recovered the next day and 2. Either he or Griffin, I’m not sure who, yakked in or near Tremble’s car, and either Griffin got in a fight or tripped and violently crashed into a curb, resulting in a goodly amount of lost blood. Tremble was the instigator and also the least drunk, leading these two mid twenties buffoons by their livers into all manner of drunken shenanigans, and ultimately leaving them passed out somewhere in or near their hotel, driving off laughing into the DC night. I would have liked to meet Tremble and get his drunken takes on life, the universe, and everything. Just because he didnt stay though, that didn’t mean I wouldn’t get my fair share of bloviating from Griffin and 160. Those two would talk the balls off a rhinocerous. They certainly did their best the first night too. After loading up on Colt 45’s, cheap champagne, and the reprehensible Sam Adams noble pilns, we headed back to the hotel room to do some warm up drinking. The whole night we spent talking about everything from life imprisonment for minors to the 1990’s Bulls and Pacers and Knicks Eastern Conference rivalry, and how baller Michael Jordan was. Griffin called it a night early, around 3am. But I was far from done. 160 convinced me of the benefits of better living through chemistry, and introduced me to a strange pill that would “keep me up.” It was designed for people who worked late shifts and truck drivers. He assured me it wasn’t any sort of illegal controlled substance. So over the lips and past the gums, watchout bloodstream, here it comes! What proceeded afterwards was nothing short of a living nightmare for anyone who isn’t a lawyer: 4 hours of shop talk between drunk stoned lawyers high on prescription pills. I can’t remember everything 160 said, but the fucker could TALK. AND TALK. As morning came, I occasionally found myself fighting to stay awake. We both decided to try to get about 2 hours of sleep around 8:15am. He took the bedroom, I took the foldout couch. Sleep though largely escaped me as 8:15 became 9am, and then I had to find solace in dora the explorer and some tv show about pyramids. That was just the beginning of one long fucked up day.

I’ll have recap of this weekend’s alcohol-fueled shenanigoats later.

Down Down Down the Toilet We Go!

For fuck’s sake, you can earn more money waiting tables and at least stand the chance to bone moderately attractive women and avoid taxation on all your wages. 2000 a month salary – they likely pay the secretaries twice that much at that firm. DONT GO TO FUCKING LAW SCHOOL PEOPLE THIS SHIT IS BECOMING THE NORM NOT THE EXCEPTION! I feel lucky as hell to pull down 51K this year.

Anyways in other news I’ve had milfpussy burning up my texts this afternoon because the woman up north is intentionally waiting until the last fucking minute to decide whether or not to come down and ruin any chance i have of going to meet the other subtledig writers, even though I just got booked to cover a DEA debriefing at 2pm, which would give me just enough time to get back to city 17 and catch this flight. Nothing ever works right.

I love how I try to make plans way ahead of time, and then everything gets fucked up at the last minute, and then you have to make on the fly corrections costing lots of money! It’s super! Anyways, this weekend, there is supposed to be a drinking contest between myself and the other miserable fucks of Subtle Dig. We’re staying in some sort of hotel in anonymous large city Z. It’s supposed to be BIG AMERICAN PARTY with lulz and comedy and a trophy which we all expect 160 to win anyways since he paid for it and the hotel room, so let the baby have his bottle, rite?

I set up reservations a while ago to get a reasonable flight rate and rental car. As this week got here, I was anticipating everything going without a hitch: meeting random strangers from the internet in a random town and hoping to get through with my bunghole unraped and my liver functioning. However, as we’ve detailed here before, nothing is ever as it seems. Last week, while at that lovely baseball game in Heresville, Milfpussy starts shooting me texts and leaving me phone calls about how I’m just using her for sex (she’s right) and how I must think the fantasy is over (I don’t) and I don’t want to talk to her anymore (becoming increasingly true with the BS I put up with). She thinks I don’t want to see her because I’m not exchanging steamy texts and facebook messages and shit, and basically ruining any spare time I have. I couldn’t see her last weekend, but I put up a half assed attempt to put her off till Sunday, then lied that I was sick so i could sit home and play GOW3 all day. Now she want’s to get together next weekend and arrange a hotel. I thought for a second about dragging her to this thing, but that would be wierd, awkward, and Bayan might put the moves on her and well that would be a little odd since we’re supposed to have a shower date first.

Well toss on top of all that the lady up in Jurisdiction X calling me, while I’m texting Milfpussy. “Hey I want to come down next week since a friend of mine is going to be there. Let’s go to theme park ******** and get a hotel room and spend the weekend together!”

Well that’s just fucking great. 2 chicks, two different desires to stay at a hotel, and all i really want to do is just watch my fucking sunday morning bear cartoons in my underoos, drink coffee, and play vidya gamez. Well, maybe when I was a kid, but I wanted to go out of town, do something stupid and crazy for the benefit of the internet, and do it all while posing as a member of anonymous, complete with idiotic mask and everything:

So how will I get out of this scrape? What will Zack do to get Kelly and Screech off his back so he can go jerk off to that brainless chick with purple nipples from Striptease? Fuck if I know, but now I have to redo my entire reservation and spend an extra 300 bucks just to participate in lifeat160’s drinking party and scrotal massage club.

If nothing else I’ll try to get photos of stuff and post them so you can laugh.