I had to hop a Sunday plane to Jurisdiction X to attend required CLE video replays. Since I’m toiletlaw/TTT 4 lyfe I decided to stop for a cheap breakfast instead of cook one. So I stopped by the ol local golden corral for breakfast. I’ve come off the “holy shit im a lawyer” thing long ago. But if you feel like you need to check your ego somewhere, GC is the Toileteer’s best friend. 8 bucks for all the “food” you can cram in your throat. But its not just the powdered eggs and grilled grade Q pork and little milk boxes you can eat. The atmosphere, and oh yes, the conversation.

I managed to secure an “omlette” made with “eggs” (probably the same liquid egg product from mickey d) when I overheard a distinct, well spoken voice from behind utter:

“I finally had an erection, and was ready to go. She said “Im not in the mood.” ARGGGGGHHH so I had to go into the bathroom to relieve myself.”

Which was exactly what I didnt want to process clearly through my mind as I was about to bite into a sausage link. I quickly shoot a glance to see who it was who said this.

Baby Huey’s Black Goony Brother, complete with unkempt public hair like beard, plastic framed glasses, and a sore on his cheek. He had to be about 6′4, 375 pounds, and likely led his high school football team in sacks and sexual assaults. Call me racist or whatever but he was pretty white sounding for a black guy. Intrigued at how such a wall of humanity could possibly be getting some (in light of how rarely i do) I listened further.

“I was talking to her about life in the Philipines as I took her photos for my website. She gave me other photos but I dont know if I wanted to have them, the girls looked 12 or so”

oh swell, a website willy with kiddie pics. I add up the years in my head depending on if the sherriff’s get him or the feds. I dont want him either way. I’ll defend most anyone but kiddy porners tend to be a little more icky than your common drug thug gangbanging dipshit.

Also overheard by said genius:

“Kids these days can make 60-70 thousand on websites and they dont go to college. Its a shame these days cause…”

( I missed the end of this comment as I cursed my TTT law degree and wondered why I didnt just start a porn referral service. Hey Billed Hourly, you busy?)

“I was married once and my father told me that each woman is another man’s dream and you just have to accept that fact and that you’ll never get a blowjob again after marriage”

(This ponderous statement gave me pause for a moment as  I reflect on how I used to get regular bishop polishing at the beginning of dating, and how its maybe once a year if im lucky now. Suddenly the economic security of marriage is looking less like an incentive.)

“There’s a tooth in my sausage gravy”

On this note, I decided I had enough and dropped my two bucks for the service mole who took my plates. I looked back at the wilderbeast and noted that I could see his stomach distending under his wolf t shirt under the table. I could only imagine the disinfectant needed to go to those nether regions. Then I thought to myself “he must have to move that stomach to take care of himself” and then I threw up a little in my mouth.

His meth mouthed mid forties balding blond haired date said “Wow you’re so deep. Take me to the circle K for some pall malls” and turned around. She looked at me and smiled, showing her three black and yellow teeth. Somewhere in the background noise, a squinty eyed kid played a banjo while Ronny Cox plucked along.

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