If you know the name of the human debris being murdered, press one.

Our office is part of a network of attorneys who get referrals for free through some prepaid legal plan. It pays pretty reasonable for basic shit. Anyways a prior divorce client wanted a will done up. Easy peasy. So I get her instructions and set her up with an appointment for today. Review it, get two bodies to witness the signature, and ill notarize it.  30 minutes total work for 150 bucks.

But today had to be different. The boss was out, so instead of using her as witness 2, I had to use Milton. I didnt think it would be terribly difficult. I needed him to write his name, address, and sign in two places. He saw the testator sign the will. But oh no. He wouldnt sign. Not until I actually read aloud the notary affirmation and made her swear she signed it, AND made Milton swear he saw her sign it.

Milton: “You need to do the instructions. Just to be safe.”

Me: “What.”

Milton: “Do you need me to explain this to you? It isn’t hard.”

Me: (internally)

No you blithering shitstained jackass I understand I just cant fucking believe you want me to swear you in to have you tell me you saw what you just fucking saw you cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

Me: (actually) yes please explain it to me.

Milton: Er emm… You need to.. oh she did sign it.

Me: (to client) Raise your hand Miss. (she does) Do you swear or affirm that you just signed this last will and testament in front of myself, milton, and the secretary and that this is your wish? (yes)

Me: (to milton) (internally) Do you swear or affirm that I should fucking gut you from head to groin right now and wallow in your entrails you assblasting fuckwad?

Me: (to milton) Do you swear or affirm that you just heard her swear or affirm that she just signed the will in front of you me and the secretary and that you saw it and heard it?

Milton: Er ah yeah. (signs the witnesses lines in his left handed ass backwards worse than Michael J Fox shaky ass handwriting).

Secretary: (stifling many laughs into her wrist. She actually pierces skin biting her knuckle to keep quiet.)

Milton leaves, the secretary does in 20 seconds what took Milton 5 horrendous minutes, and the client just has this embarassed look on her face. Mostly because I feel like such a dipshit for having to ask Milton to do such a basic task. When I told my boss about it later (we love to share our milton tales) she told me thats why she refused to renew his notary license. Fantasies of miltoncide abound through my head.

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