95% of criminal clients, by the very nature of their being, are inherently fucking dumb as hell. This is a simple concept most people can understand; then again most people do not kick in doors of homes to steal LCD TVs, drive ridiculously drunk with large quantities of marijuana in their car, rob and rape women getting off work, or get into clunky home made submarines with hundreds of kilograms of cocaine. To the average schlub, these are ideas destined to result in a net loss. As one of the lifeat160 poker degens might say, “it is negative ev to lead sherriff’s officers on a drunken high speed chase only to end up crashing headlong into a 75 year old oak tree and nearly break your neck.”

However, if criminals weren’t the dumbest fucks on the planet I wouldn’t have a job and then I’d be on http://temporaryattorney.blogspot.com and http://www.jdunderground.com a lot more. Still, you would think that most of them would realize basic fucking realities. This week presented two mindblowing examples.

Example 1: Mr. North End Boy – Mr. North End Boy is the most well mannered gangbang thug I have ever met. Admittedly I dont see a lot of non hispanic gangbangers in my line of duty (we speak Spanish and our clientele for even non criminal cases is 75% hispanic) and in fact almost all of our Black defendants are court appointed. But this guy is always glad to see me when I do jail visits. So this genius has a history of course, and this time he is caught up in a major gang prosecution. City 17 is using some complicated statutes to go after street gangs. Long story short, this guy is facing two major felonies where he could get 30+30 years if found guilty. Not to mention he also got into a fight with a cop where he severely mangled one of the guy’s limbs. Not a pretty case. Thousands of pages of discovery about his gang, the “North End Boys.” So we’re about 3 weeks out from trial, and the prosecutor pulls me aside and says “Hey look, this case sucks. Tell you what, 5 years for everything.”

My eyes nearly bug out of my head. 5 for everything is a fucking dream offer. My guys already been in two years. He should get 10 or more on the cop beatdown alone. I’m eager to tell the client that he could realistically be a free man in another 2.5. Just plead guilty to the whole thing.

Him: “But man I wasn’t in no street gang!”
Me: ” You weren’t in the North End Boys? ”
Him: “Naw man we weren’t in no gang.”
Me: “So you and the other 10 codefendants, you got these elaborate tattoos on your arms saying ‘North End Boys’ for nothing? That’s no gang?”
Him: “Naw man we just got that you know, not a street gang, it’s just, you know”
Me: “Just a geographical indicator, right?”
Him: “Yeah man one a those”
Me: “Just to remind yourselves where you live should you get lost, right?”
Him: “Yeah.”
Me: “You’re willing to go to trial and risk 60 on that?”
Him: “Man I din do nuffins. I wasnt in no street gang.”

I try in vain to explain to him for 15 more minutes that nobody gives a fuck since you have 4 prior felony convictions. You’re not getting shit expunged, but you are willing to make yourself look like a jackass just so you can argue to a jury that the “North End Boys” are just young gentlemen who happen to live in the Northern part of City 17 and not a bunch of gangbanging jackasses so you can get 30 +30. It never occurs to him that on the cop charge alone he would be pretty fucked if it was up the judge. Hell one of the codefendants pled to the gang memeber charge alone and got 11 years.

Example 2: Rape Boy – Rape Boy is a kid. Literally. This case does kinda break my evil conservative facade because this guy was literally a boy when he and some other older guys went out and well, you can guess, all throughout City 17. I feel for the guy because the prosecutors will only offer life in prison. He was the least culpable of the codefendants. Anyways we tried to have him found incompetent because he has blasted his brain with every opiate and stimulant and depressant and you name it known to man for at least 2 years prior to the incident. On a barely pubescent kid, he has to have seriously fucked his brain up.

Well after the competency review the judge found he was legally competent, but even acknowledged that there was no doubt this kid’s brain was little more than half eaten jello in the fridge. This is a clear indicator to me that if we pled open to the court, we might get a shorter term on a departure sentence basis. Trial isnt an option, this guy sung to the high heavens and waived miranda rights almost immediately right in front of his parents. Trial would be a waste of time. There’s literally no defense, and the victim is a beautiful and highly intelligent and sympathetic woman.

I go to the jail to visit him as we’re running out of time to plead since the trial is next week. I tell him that if we go to trial its going to be a lot of me sitting on my ass while the State just runs us over with damning evidence. I explain to him that if we go to trial the odds of him getting a higher sentence (guideline sentence is 24 years) up to and including life is increased. But if we open plead the judge could even sentence you as a youthful offender/juvenile (unlikely) but you are more likely to get a departure from the guidelines by accepting responsibility.
He proceeds to explain to me that any sentence might as well be death. I explain to him that if you had a choice between life in prison or 20 years, you’d be an idiot not to take the time. Then the kicker:

Me: “You get 20 years, you’ve been in 2, you’ll be out in 16 if you act good. You’ll be my age when you get out and have a life.”
Him: “I’LL BE OLD!!!”

It takes everything in me not to reach across and beat his ass. I’m not fucking old! I’m 31 for Christs sake. Yeah I’m starting to find white hairs in my goatee but still, I’m not fucking old. Anyways he still hasnt agreed to plead yet. I called his parents and we’re going to have a come to Jesus with him. His mother will beat some fucking sense into him. I hope.

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