There are a lot of reasons why being a lawyer is bad for you. First and foremost your choice of career has likely saddled you with 6 figures in debt and incredibly bleak job prospects. But then what happens to you when you get that sweet gig?

Being a lawyer involves a hell of a lot of sitting on your ass staring at a computer screen, either as a document coder in a roach infested slave pen beneath some crushing biglaw asshole factory, or copypastaing another brainless ID motion, or reading tiny script on fastcase and getting a headache as you desparately try to find something on point using such a subpar but really supercheap database engine.

Then you eat. A lot. The secretaries bring in food, clients bring in food, you have 15 minutes to get some lunch before you have to meet the next son of a bitch with no money and a 6 count indictment who wants to go on a “payment plan” so you run to mcdonalds.

There is only one thing I eat at mcdonalds now, just the eggs and a steak patty for breakfast. Its real protein, I’m sure. But it used to be, 2 for 3 big macs, large fries, 10 piece nuggets, or some such, and its easily 1800 calories of pure shit that leaves you hungry like chinese food in 2 hours. Oh and a coke which is more syrup than water. Basically your job is killing you, and your food is killing you, and your debt is killing you, and your shitty clients kill you and laugh while they do it. Its like the guy who can do 4 months in county on his head looks at me and calls me a fuckup.

Add to that the stress and cortisol and you basically turn into a fat sack of shit. Like me. I saw a girl I went to law school at the courthouse. She’s part of the state’s harem of family law bitches. She deals with the most fucked up people in the world on behalf of state agencies who set child support for deadbeat fucks. In law school she was petite, kinda cute, glasses, very quiet. I hardly talked to her but yeah i blew a few knuckle children thinking about how underneath the quiet bespectacled law school student exterior, she was a 3 input cumslut who begged for you to shoot all over her and was insatiable in bed.

Well now she’s just about a perfect sphere. Easily packing 2 bills. God this career can be so destructive to people. Not to mention the alcohol and drugs we regularly do to get by on a daily basis (not me mind you).

What is it I can actually control? Well, I can’t get a job in the jurisdiction I want no matter how hard i try (it seems), and I cant tell stupid assholes not to come into the office because then we wouldnt get clients. I can’t tell Great Lakes to fuck themselves with a dull knife used to cut habanero peppers, but I can control what the fuck I eat and what I do when I get home from work.

I’m a big guy, always have been. I still have a picture of me from prom. 6′0, about 215 pounds. I looked good. I was a social failure, and got practically zero pussy, but i looked good and damnit if i had my personality now in my body then I would be laying pipe like a champ. I came across this photo while moving recently, and I became completely disgusted with myself. Where did it go wrong? I saw a picture of me as a 1L on my student id. I was a little bigger but not by much. I took karate, I worked out, but then as time went on, it started to go downhill. After law school it really went downhill.

I weighed 345 fucking pounds this summer. Can you fucking believe it? I didnt look like some beached balloon whale mind you, but i know what i looked like naked and its a disaster. I finally said to hell with it all about the time i made that post about being a fat sack of shit. Just because i have a shiTTTY career, shiTTTy income prospects, deal with shiTTTy people on a daily basis, doesn’t mean I have to look shiTTTy. I may be TTT for life, but I dont have to look like it dammit. I got on a workout regime, and fixed what I eat pretty well, and have peeled off to 323 pounds this morning. But thats still easily another 80-90 to go. Its the one thing I can do to take back all the bad decisions i made so far in my life.

So gentle reader take this to heart. The practice of law will shorten your life, but it doesnt have to make your ass require its own congressional representative. I’ll link to some pictures for you later so you can track my progress and so on.

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