I know some time ago I posted about the spreadassitude of the legal profession. It took its toll on me as I ballooned to somewhere north of 340 pounds. Since November I’ve been on a pretty reasonable low carb diet with about 2500 calories a day, along with hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. It has yielded some success, but I wanted to step things up for the new year. Apparently there’s some sort of internet drinking contest I am supposed to attend, and I’d assume not look as much like a overgrown blimp when broadcast to the world.

My cousin in all his car crashing, booze chugging, dope smoking lunacy, has stumbled upon one thing that is constructive and an intense workout – Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. He’s in love with UFC and MMA and all that tv shit. I respect it, since I took about a year of karate in law school. But I never really thought about it as a workout replacement until I spoke to him at the final burial for my mother, grandparents, and cousin. He said it would jump start my weight loss and be a great investment.

150 dollars later I am in my first class. I have never felt so clumsy and intensely out of shape. Its 150 a month for four classes a week with a black belt champion to study under. “Take it easy the first time, go at your own pace” the instructor tells me.

I barely get through the opening warm ups before I’m gassed.

A 6′2 310 pound guy isn’t very coordinated, unless he is a trained NFL athlete. Basic moves, such as a mount escape involving some dude on your chest, prove difficult, as my legs don’t stretch well and are too large to hook the guy on top of me easily. Knee dips, going down to your front knee and sweeping the back leg forward to stand up again, with a weighted 10 pound ball, are more like small car accidents as I collapse on my knee each time with some pain. Even get-up moves that involve your knees, elbows, and jumping back to a ready stance are awkward and slow.

Still, after two classes, and before I even have a proper gi, they impress upon me to just stick with it. These moves are foreign to me and difficult to execute, especially since I’m sucking so much wind. Speaking of wind, the blast I gave my partner during an armbar escape exercise certainly gave pause. Not to worry, the partner said, the mat is a gassy place. People rip farts all day long while doing these moves.

There are at least 10 other guys in the class aside from me on a given night, and even a woman who spars with the guys. Two of which recognize me. “Don’t I know you” says an ex classmate turned prosecutor.. “Oh I want to roll with this guy,” he gets out before the instructor steps in and advises against it. I’ll end up the class ragdoll before long, but let’s at least get me in marginal enough shape to be of some use.

Still, I have 300 in sight by the end of the month, which will make nearly 40 pounds in almost 3 months, which is a start. If I can present myself at 275 by the time of this idiotic internet insanity, I won’t look completely awful.

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