Over the past week more than two dozen recent t14 grads interviewed at my firm. We have one associate spot available.

I considered writing about how dismal the legal market must be to result in such applications, but upon inspection of our attorney bios, I discovered we already have three t14 graduates working at the firm. The economy has undoubtedly increased the quantity of t14 applicants, but we apparently get some every year. So rather than focus on the legal job market, I am going to discuss why most t14 graduates are under-qualified for this job.

No offense to past-present-future t14 students but you are all terrible salesmen. Since 60-80% of my paycheck comes from commission on the clients we sign up, salesmanship is crucial. Most t14 students I meet lack the ability to read social situations and act accordingly. I could not be a successful salesman without being able to read the customer on the other end of the line.

And I know, t14 students are trained to be legal scholars – not litigation pushers. I took the same classes in law school. In the real world though, you are constantly placed in situations that require you to sell something. These graduates wouldn’t be interviewing at my firm if they were better able to sell themselves to biglaw. Every partner at every law firm is constantly forced to sell his/her legal services. Sales is ingrained in the legal profession – get used to it.

Are you a t14 law student? Get some social practice. I know you think you are great at “networking” or whatever term you use to describe what happens at those silly student events. Go to bar, pick up a woman/man. Get a job at Circuit City Best Buy. Do something to practice sales – it’s a skill you are going to need.

For a brief period right after I got the job with my firm, I kinda imagined that I was finally to that place when I would be and do all those things I thought well-rounded, successful adults often do: go to the gym before work a few days a week, eat healthily, take up a real hobby so I had something mildly entertaining to put in my cheesy firm bio that my secretary insisted on adding to the attorney bio book in our office waiting room. Needless to say it didn’t exactly pan out that way. Unless catching cheese puffs in your mouth counts as a hobby – well, even if it does – I’m still hobby impaired. I had to quit cheese puffs cold-turkey when the girlfriend decided that “we” should go on a quasi health kick. Trying to catch wheat thins in your mouth is half as much fun and twice as dangerous. Now maybe you’re thinking “well at least he’s eating healthier,” but I usually eat 2 meals a day when Val (the girlfriend) isn’t around and I guarantee she would kill me if she knew about all of the delicious carbs and trans-fats I fill up on then.

And the craziest thing about all of this? I could probably make all those “adult” changes I once pictured in my life if I wanted. I’m not really short on time like a lot of lawyers seem to be. Strange part about working at the firm, though, I’m always tired when I got home – no matter what. I don’t think it would really matter if I shaved a couple of hours off my sleep time. And some (douchebags mainly) might consider it a failing on my part not to pursue such things when I have the opportunity, but believe it or not, life is pretty good for me without them.

Every day it seems I meet another guy at a better firm with a better physique – a better life (on paper at least.) And I can’t tell you the number of those guys who, in this profession obsessed with prestige, have tried, and occasionally succeeded, to make me feel like shit for it. But I can still count on one hand the number of lawyers I meet who don’t have that look in their eyes – the look that says that, deep-down, they are so miserable that they think about throwing themselves off the “tower” in which they work.

You might even be one of those guys. I mean, hell, there are certainly a lot of them (I say this both from personal observation and the statistics I keep reading about the legal profession suffering from the highest rates of alcoholism, drug abuse, and suicide). Anyway, I don’t know if what I have is better than those guys, but I do know that when I turn off my bedside lamp and lie in the darkness, I’m content – and I don’t think I would trade that for anything in the world.

My firm sponsors a fancy CLE dinner once a year. I don’t know how much the firm spends, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the event cost more than twice my annual income. This year, the firm brought in a former toxic-tort superstar turned judge to speak about professional courtesy among attorneys. The speaker was fine, but the continuing legal education (CLE) system is joke. The nature of law forces every attorney to be constantly aware of the changing legal landscape – we don’t need supplemental education. Further, these events are more about the sponsor firm impressing the attendees than presenting anything educational value. Why can’t we drop the charade and just have an exceedingly decadent party?

Attendance was mandatory but we were allowed to bring a guest. I was concerned about asking my girlfriend to come – I certainly wouldn’t attend if I had the choice. Surprisingly, the girlfriend was ecstatic to go. Something about getting dressed up and meeting my coworkers appealed to her.

The cocktail portion of the event went terribly. There was a cash bar, I had no cash. The GF bought me an $8 bourbon. I wasn’t overly interested in talking to anyone, but didn’t want to be anti-social. Forced conversation ensued.

Eventually, the dining room was opened. The six course meal was two courses too long. The wine was free and no matter how many times I emptied the glass, the waiter refilled it. I was fully drunk by the time the speaker took the podium. The speaker spent an hour telling us to not be an asshole to your opposing attorneys. I’ve never dealt with opposing counsel, but if I ever do, I wasn’t going to be an asshole – but at least I got my CLE credit.

Despite my idiotic drinking, my girlfriend enjoyed herself. She drove us home.